Death

I used to fear death. I don't anymore. I used to want to live a long life. I don't anymore.

Part of the reason I no longer fear death may be that I already went through the process of believing that I was dying. Doctors could not tell me what was wrong, but I was convinced it was most likely terminal. This is not an uncommon phenomena amongst fibromyalgia sufferers before they get a diagnosis. Your mind simply can not believe that anything causing that much pain is also not killing you. You feel like the pain is killing you. I still get bouts of that level of pain and even though I know what it is, it is still hard to believe that something that hurts that much is not going to lead to death.

Fibromyalgia does not lead to death. The leading cause of death amongst those with fibromyalgia is suicide. It is ten times that of the regular population, according to a Danish study. A U.S. Study published in January 2011 in Arthritis Care and Research showed an increased cause of death for those with fibromyalgia from suicide and accidents, whether they are intentional accidents or simply caused by some of the aspects of fibromyalgia like loss of balance or fibro-fog.

I have great sympathy for those in chronic pain with no hope of getting better. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum's callous lies recently about the Swedish euthansia laws really bring this home. Santorum claimed that euthanasia accounted for 10 percent of all deaths for the Netherlands and that, in half of those cases, patients are euthanized involuntarily. That could charitably be called a lie.

In the Netherlands, euthanasia accounts for less than 1 percent of all deaths. No person can be euthanized unless they have expressed a desire to die on multiple occasions and at least two doctors confirm that the patient is either terminally ill or in unbearable pain. Even afterwards, there is follow-up to ensure that all laws and safeguards have been followed. It is humane and a model for the way chronic unrelievable pain should be handled.

I have been in horrific pain that makes me little more than an animal. I can't think clearly- I can barely think at all. All there is is pain. All I can think of is the one saving thought that it will end. For people where pain like that won't end, there is no point in being alive. You get nothing from it. You can not enjoy life. You can not contribute to life. You can't have relationships with others. Your life is only about the pain. Forcing people to continue in that condition with no hope of recovery is torture.

If you have never been in that kind of pain, you can not understand it. It changes your perspective. A life of tortuous pain is not a life worth living. I get relief from it. It comes and goes. If that level of pain was constant with no hope of relief, there is no doubt in my mind that I would check out and have no second thoughts about it.

Life should be about the quality of your life, not about how long you live. I do not expect to live that long. Even with other drugs to help, I know that the Savella is putting a strain on my heart that will reduce my lifespan. I don't care. I would rather have a shorter life and be able to do more than a long life I can not enjoy and that brings me nothing but misery. What is the point in that?