Back from the Abyss

Things were desperate. I was unable to work. I could barely think most of the time. I was constantly fatigued. I was in pain almost all of the time. My personality was altered- I felt as if I had lost the core of myself. I had no hope, no sense of a future. It was no way to live.

I had prided myself all my life on my ability to think myself out of any problem, and now here I was with this most essential ability fully compromised. What I could not do, though, was give up. I had to find an answer.

On one of my clearer days, I hit the Internet. I would keep searching until I found an answer. Finding an answer would be my full time occupation.

I checked out hundreds of sites and postings, and began to see a pattern of comments from people who were having very good results with a very recently approved FDA drug. It was called Savella.

Reading people's actual experiences with a drug was enormously helpful. While I wanted some relief from the pain, the most important goal for me was to clear my head, to be able to think clearly again. Savella seemed to offer help with both.

I did learn that many people quit before they really got started. When you begin titration, slowly increasing the dosage up to the full dose, many people reported that it was very unpleasant. Many people give up, because starting on this drug makes you very sick. Knowing that going in was very helpful. I would have quit had I not known. It was certainly nothing my doctor or pharmacist warned me about, but to be fair, the drug was so new, neither of them had dealt with it before.

After reading countless personal experiences, this drug seemed to offer me the best hope. I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to try it. Fortunately, just a few days earlier, a drug rep had come in touting this new drug. He had not gone over the materials yet, but he agreed to, and ultimately prescribed it for me.

I have never felt as sick in my life as when I started this drug. The nausea was incredible. The headaches intense. I alternated between pouring sweat and freezing. I was miserable, but I would not give up. It brings to mind the scene inside the sea cave in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince where Dumbledore insists that Harry keep giving him the green liquid even though it makes him increasingly sick. It was kind of like that. I felt like I was poisoning myself.

By the time I was up to a full dose I was beginning to tolerate it. Some of the side effects lasted longer, but for the most part it was tolerable. In a few more weeks, though, it began to work. My mind was clearer. My pain levels were down considerably. I had more energy. It was miraculous.

Most people do not get the same level of relief from this drug that I got. I was unusual. It was not a cure, but it was enough to allow me to function again. I could build a life. I could have hope.