Experiencing Fibrofog

A lot of people talk about depression as a part of fibromyalsia, but the only time I feel depressed and despair is when I am deep in fibrofog. The rest of the time I am quite hopeful and positive, taking on this condition every day with an “I will never let it win” attitude.

I am uncertain whether the reported bouts of depression are a part of the syndrome, or rather, a natural reaction to the way this syndrome can so devastate your life. Even medical experts are not absolutely certain about whether depression is part of the syndrome or a result of its consequences.

Let me explain what fibrofog is like for me. This is what it is like when I am in a deep fog. My entire world closes in on me. I lose a sense of past or future. All I can really see is the now. I can't make plans for the future, or see hope for the future, because I am so trapped in just the moment. The universe shrinks.

I am normally able to keep a map in my head, to have a three dimensional visualization of where I am and what is around me. That goes away. Even on familiar streets I get lost. One time I had to drive home as the fog was hitting, not a generally good idea. Even with the sun setting in the west, and being about to turn onto familiar street that ran east and west with home being west, I still could not figure out which way to turn to get myself home. I was lost, unable to place myself in my environment, unable to make any sense of the now unfamiliar world around me. It is a profound sense of feeling lost, of being unable to grab onto anything familiar.

I pride myself on my intellect, on my ability to quickly solve problems and figure things out. That goes away with fibrofog. As my wife describes it, it is like seeing someone go from a 130 IQ to a 70 IQ. My personality changes. I struggle to do even simple things. I live in a world of constant confusion and disorientation where things often make no sense.

For me the perfect analogy comes from the science fiction book Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. It was also made into the movie Charly starring Cliff Robertson. In it a retarded man is given an experimental drug that dramatically increases his intelligence. The drug has a flaw, which he discovers with his newly acquired intellect, which causes him to revert back to the way he was.

I completely relate to this story, and the concept of cycling between having a strong intellect to being barely able to think. For me it is an ongoing cycle. There are times that, like HAL, I can feel my mind going. Thoughts slip away. The whole world and my perspective on it changes, diminishes.

I can not see steps ahead. Playing chess would be impossible. I can't get the big picture. Even following the plots on television shows can be challenging.

In times like this, where imagining the future is so illusive, I do become depressed. My wife can tell me that this will pass and get better, but at the time, I just can not see it. The now seems like the forever.